Unacceptable Acceptance.

According to recent studies more than 31% of women in America have suffered abuse at the hands of their partner. While that number may seem staggering I feel sadly confident in one thing: It’s much higher than that.

Over the years I have been truly shocked and saddened at the amount of women who are dear to me who have experienced physical abuse from the man who was supposed to be protecting them from harm. The same man who inflicted more harm than anyone outside of the home could have.

Every 68 seconds, a woman is sexually assaulted in America. That’s one woman every single minute. No matter how far we think we have come, we are still in what I would call moral decline, were it not for the fact that this is a societal norm that has been accepted and brushed off for millennia.

“That’s just guys being guys.”

“She shouldn’t have worn that of she didn’t want that kind of attention.”

“Sure, he hits her, but you don’t know how frustrating she can be.”

“He’s really a good guy, he just has a bad temper.”

“He was drunk, he just made a mistake.”

Men supporting abusive men is one of the biggest blockades to the safety of women that we claim we want to provide. Men who stand by and support their abusive friends out of loyalty to the crew, instead of speaking up, need a good swift kick to the head. Truth be known, many men support their male friends at almost all costs. I have seen it time and time again, as have you.

We grew up viewing narcissistic behavior as some form of type-A leadership personality. I can think of many narcissists that I worked for over the decades and somehow the powers that be always put them on a pedestal because “They got results”. Of course they do! Everyone is operating out of fear and the people who have a way to offer safety and comfort care more about their bottom line than they do about their people. We have allowed the narcissist to flourish under the guise of leadership for so long that when we see it in social settings we just brush it off. We even go out of our way to support them in their abuse of others, sometimes through silence, other times through blatant acceptance.

When will we normalize men holding men accountable for their actions? Why is it always up to the woman to protect herself when surrounded by men who claim to care about her? At what point will men start standing up to their friends, brothers, cousins, uncles, and even fathers? At what point will it be unacceptable to sit at a table with your friend who is abusing his wife and children? When will men stop brushing it under the table for fear of offending their buddy?

Stop making excuses for your abusive friends and start putting them in their place. Stop saying you hate domestic violence, when you only hate it as long as it’s not your friend who is among the accused. Stop telling women that marriage is forever, and they have to stay and work it out. NO THEY DO NOT!

Too often I hear men say “marriage is forever and those vows were made before God”, as a way to guilt women into giving their buddy another chance, and another, and then another, until one day she ends up in the hospital, or worse.

God loves people more than he loves institutions. If the cost of a saved marriage is an abused woman, then the cost is far too high.

I’m lucky enough to know a few good men who would happily stand up to any abusive man, regardless of relationship. I am also sadly aware of many who fall into the other category. Those men will never be welcome at my table. Have your dinner in the alley with the other sewer rats.

Behind every abusive man is a group of guys who enable him through their silent support. Men have a tendency to put loyalty to their friends ahead of what’s right, similarly to how adults protect other adults who abuse children. The thought of seeing an adult lose their job over abuse allegations seems to be push adults into protection of the adult rather than the child. That’s a separate article yet to be written, but just as disgusting and confusing.

Men have to start protecting the vulnerable or, at the least, stop pretending they are a protector when they care more for the title than the actual act of protection. No woman should have to endure an abusive partner simply because his friends portrayed him as a great man when they knew the truth. No man ever has the right to talk a woman out of leaving their abusive buddy. If he does, he is accountable to whatever actions befall her at his hands!

When will it be unacceptable in your circle? Why do you gloss over it? Why is it so easy to brush it under the table under the guise of loyalty?! When are men going to speak up and no longer allow abusive friends to be in their circle of protection? When are men going to actually be men?

Your abusive friend does not deserve a seat at your table, and if he has one, please don’t invite me. Let them eat alone. Stop accepting their behavior! Stop victim blaming the woman in an attempt to justify his actions. Make the unacceptable just that: unacceptable. Protect the vulnerable around you or stop pretending you give a shit.

Domestic abuse hotline — (800) 799–7233

Man the hell up!

Jeremy \m/